Monday, August 30, 2010

Love is an act of endless forgiveness

I miss receiving roses from you.
I miss receiving handmade cards & little gifts from you.
Most importantly, I miss those good times when we were together.
I miss US, very much...

Posted by ♥ Jolynn at: 10:32 PM

I've many things in my head that I would want to ask you. I've many doubts in me. You won't know how I'm feeling now you won't know what I've been going through all these while. You are really selfish, my dear. You only think of yourself and never once spared a thought for me when you make a decision. Everytime you gave me hope, you would crashed it the very next moment. I don't know why even after so much have had happened, I still love you so much and want to be with you so much. You mean so much to me. You don't know just by spending time with you for awhile it can satisfy me. Why do you give up on this relationship so easily? Why won't you fight for it, hold on to it and keep it? Things doesn work out now doesn mean it wont in the future. I'm sure if we hold on, our effort would be pay off in later months. We have been through so much, played significant roles in each other lives, how can you bear to just put and end to everything between us. I miss you very much boy. Don't treat me so cold, so harsh will you? At least, treat me normally. I don't want to not only lose you as a lover, but also lose you as a friend. I care alot for you, you still mean alot for me. I've many things to say to you but I know now is not the appropriate time cause I will only trigger your temper and you would definitely get mad and curse/scold me with countless of vulgarities. Maybe certain words you can just say it easily through your mouth, but do you know it hurts me badly? What makes me don't get it is that after all these we've been through, love each other, how can you just easily bear to end everything, treat me so cold, distance yourself from me? Because if I were you I cant, for I know I will miss you badly and still turn back and look for you at the end of the day. I love you.

Do you know how exactly I feel now? The least thing I expected you to do is to cheat behind my back but you did. Do you know how afraid I was? Even while talking to my friend on the phone my whole body was shaking. I can't believe for the past few days while you texting me, you'r texting her too. I cant believe when you didn text me yesterday night the whole time you were texting her. I cant believe while you were with me and constantly checking your phone was because you'r waiting for her message. Your words are all lies. None of them are true. You said it was Zard, but no, all along it was you who's communicating with her. You said you didn message anyone ytd but no, you were msging her. You even messaged her in the morning just to say good morning to her. I don't see you doing that to me everyday. You only knew her for barely 3 days and you can tell her, "yes I like you a little"? For this past 3 days both of you were intensely texting each other, morning afternoon night while I was kept in the dark all along. Should I thank Mr Jana for confiscating your phone else right now I'll still be a fool, you'll continue cheating on me and in a blink of an eye you'r in a relationship with her. You even agreed to meet her just now when I asked you to come to my house. All these while you were only playing with my feelings, toying with me. You don't even take me and our relationship seriously. All your words are simply excuses, lies. You say you love me. If you do why would you even do all these behind my back? Why? If you love me why did you did such things to hurt me? Approach a girl, asked for her number, message her everyday asking her what type of guys she like and after that confessed to her? If you dont love me, dont intend to start this relationship again, tell me. Don't do all these to me, because at least I know I dont deserve all these hurt, pain and tears. Why am I even crying so hard now when you don't seems to care? I called you just now all you said was NO NO NO and denied all the way. Even when I asked to meet you tomorrow you dont want to. Its obvious you dont dare to face me and explain everything clearly to me. I'm a human, a girl I have feelings too. Seriously, you dont know how I'm feeling now, how badly you hurt me right now at this moment. Tell me, what should I do now? I really don't know. Each time you raised my hope you would crush it so badly after that. I can't believe all these while you were only toying with me and wasnt taking me seriously, you were cheating behind my back. I don't know besides her are there any other girl. You said you didn message Clara, but you did. How am I supposed to trust your words. Cheating behind my back is so much worse than you ignoring me and leaving me. Really, if I can I just feel like jumping down from my window. You don't know how fcuking bad and deep you stabbed my heart this time round.

You never fail to push me away every single day. Ask yourself, do you really love me? Do you really care for me? Do I really mean something to you? Because all your actions simply makes me feel unloved, uncared and unimportant. Because if you really do, you won't be doing all these things, hurting me so bad. Why do you love to mention about the past? Am I treating you that way now? No. Didnt I already change? What else do you want me to do? so what if I've changed, the way you treat me is still the same, things didn improve at all. So what if I love you so much? I cant even get that bit of love from you. If I send you text saying I love you, will you reply me with a I love you too? No you simpy ignored it and mention some other things. That's what I mean, I simply don't feel any love from you. Even if we were to take the bus together in the morning, go home together, go to the shops after school I don't feel your feelings at all despite doing all these with me. Only for that moment, I feel alittle love but when we are apart, I dont feel it at all. You don't do things to make me feel loved by you, that you cared for me. What you'r making me see right now is that your friends are so much more important and that you rather spend time with them than me and just leave me there alone. I feel like I'm just nothing to you. Why do I get so moody easily? Have you asked yourself? I want to spend my time with you but all you did is to ask me to go home myself while you'r in school with friend or when I asked you to do something, you would just say nevermind. Do you know how I feel? Why am I rushing things ask yourself. Simply because I'm so afraid one moment we are fine and the next moment everything change, you ignore me. Ju and can just easily leave because we aint together, just like what exactly happened during July. Everyday without fail I fear that things would change and when things don't I thank god I pray to him that tomorrow things will remain the same too. I want to be with you, but you don't. All you know is ask me not to rush things. How to? When I feel that your feelings are fading day by day. By the time O levels' over, how much your feelings are left? Is there even a chance for us to get back together? Why do you always have to push me away? Why do you have to treat me this way. I changed i did things to make up for what I did in the past but it seems useless, you still treat me the same way, your feelings for me didn change too, still remain so little. You'r so harsh your words and actions never fails to hurt me so bad. Remember when I cried and told you that I feel you don't love me anymore? I thought you would assure me that that's not the case but instead you did what I didn expect at all. You totally ignored me and left me crying there alone without any explainations. Even while I was crying begging you to explain things to me you just walked off leaving me outside the school alone. You even asked to take a seperate bus to school. Rememeber, when I told you to wait for me while I take my bag because I want to go home with you what did you do? You left for home yourself without even telling me. Even though I board the bus, I still went back and look for you but you always push me away. You never fail to. Be it holding your hands, or clinging on to you, you never fail to ask me stop that and take your hand away. Even if I'm crying badly, you never comfort me, instead you scolded me. Why is it that everytime I want to spend more time with you you'r always so reluctant but so willing when it comes to your friends? If you love me, don't you want to spend more time with me? If you love me, don't you not want to hurt me? Won't you treat me good? Won't you never fail to make me feel loved by your actions and words? I tried all I could, but it seems that nothing works. Cards, cookies, changed of character, changed of the way I treat you, none of it helps at all. I really don't know what I'm supposed to do now. Whenever there's a problem, you never explained fully to me you always walked away leaving me behind figuring out myself and I would always jump to a negative conclusion. I don't even know what exactly you'r thinking now, thinking about us, thinking about this r/s. How exactly you feel towards me. You never fail to raise your voice and get mad when I voice out my unhappiness, when I told you how I'm feeling. Everyday I was hoping you would treat me like how you did in the past, you make me feel so loved but never a day my hope came true. I love you alot, but whats the point? You don't even feel the same way...

Other than your sorry, don't you have anything else to say to me? I thought you would at least assured me with your words that what I'm thinking is totally wrong and that you don't feel the way I thought you were. But all you did was to say sorry even when I asked you. Really, it really shows how much your feelings are to me, what am I exactly to you.

You are wrong. I wasnt angry yesterday but upset as you made me see something clearly. I know things have changed and are no longer the same. Who are your priorities now and who's no longer your number one anymore. I know I should'nt be wanting you to spend your time with me whenever you can, I shouldnt be hoping that. Friends are more important than me now, I know. I mean who am I of yours to have you making me your number one isnt it? I'm not even your girlfriend. I know I am so ridiculars. I cant stand myself at times too for frequently having those mindset when I know it will never happen. Hoping them only brings more sadness to me since it will never happen. On the outside, we seems like we are really close but deep in our heart, the distance has been getting wider and wider. Its not like as though even if we aint together now you still love me. The thing is we are not together and you don't love me too. In your eyes I am just a normal friend of yours am I right. Admit it, your feelings are no longer there. You just treat me as a normal friend. Right now, its just a one sided feeling. So what if I love you? No matter how much I do now things wont improve, things wont change and will continue to stay this way. Your treatment towards me aint gonna change either. You'r just slowly pushing me away. I know I shouldnt be clinging on to you when you dont even feel the same way as I do. I just behaving like total slut. You dont even want to sit with me in the bus anymore what more can I say? The only time we can to be together is in the morning to school but you wont even let that to happen, what else can I do and say? So what if I want to spend more time with you go to school with you, out with you during our lunch break and home together with you? Everyday I would be asking myself in the morning, "will he board the bus today?" and when school dismiss, " is he going to go opp the sch with me or his friends?
" I am ridiculars for having those mindset aint I course you dont even think the same way as I do. Whenever I want to wait for you after school to go home together you would ask me to go home first. I just want to have more time with you just the 2 of us, am i being too much to ask for this? At home, I would always have the phone beside me waiting for your call when I know you wont, again I am ridiculars for thinking that. I am no longer yours, your girlfriend, why should you even bother doing so much, spend time with me? I love you, what about you? Why are you treating me this way? One moment you'r so nice so close with me and the next moment you just ignore me and cut off any contact with me.

&again I am so ridiculars today. I have no rights to feel upset and angry when I saw that sight the moment I stepped into the hall. He's not mine, he can do whatever he want I'm in no position to interfere his matter, control him. You've no lesson, I was hoping so much you would come to my house but of course you chose your friends. Since this Friday we can spend some time together after sch I was hoping at least today we could, but I was so wrong. Why am I always so ridiculars to think all these? Why do I cry while on the way home? Why do I cry when I'm in my room? Why do I cry every night before I sleep? Why am I even crying now? Ridiculars.

So what after I've said all these? I still can't help but continue having those thoughts. I still hope we would get back together. I still hope every morning you would take the bus sit beside me, go with me opp the school every lunch break, home with me together after school, calling me whenever you can, spend your time with me whenever you have the time, go to my house, i'm still the one you care for and love. I feel so miserable. I hate my life now.