Thursday, September 30, 2010

Love is an act of endless forgiveness

You are not very easy to forget.

Posted by ♥ Jolynn at: 10:24 PM

I really don't know what I want anymore. Everyday I pass through each day, pretending. Pretend that I'm alright, pretend that I'm happy but whats exactly inside? I don't feel anything near happy at all. Everyday I gotta put on a fake front and smile and laugh like as though nothing's wrong, but deep down, its totally opposite from how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. I want to break down, I want to cry, but I know I can't. Its not wise to feel upset and cry infront of you anymore. I'm not trying to get any sympathy but this is the only place I can pour my feelings out to make me feel better. I can no longer share my problems with you. Even if I could, I know you can't be bothered but feel irritated. I wonder if you'll still think of me at times, if you still care for me, if I still mean something to you, and significantly. I thought I was strong, but I was so wrong.

Facade

I hope that days come easy and moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

More then anything, more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
To your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

Those late night talk on the phone, where had it all gone to?
I want to meet you so much tomorrow or Sunday,
but I know its impossible, you won't want to.
Shall see you on Monday, love.
Hope you'll still take the same bus as me.

I just don't get it and find you so amazing. Friday things were fine between us but the night onwards, you totally stopped contacting me, like as though I no longer exist in your life anymore. I just want to know why, but you alway refused to answer me. I've been waiting for your call since then but each night I would always have to go to bed with disappointment and sadness. I called you on the saturday night, you picked up though but could'nt talk because I supposed your mum's awake. (I'm sorry if you got a scolding from her) Why? Why can you just so easily remove me from your life like that? We've been together so much for these 9 months, so many memories, so many things we've done, so close how is it that you can easily just do these to me, to our r/s? Don't you miss me? Don't you still have that little feelings for me? I've done so much, but why is it that its of no use? Why is it that your feelings can change so fast just like that? I've so much to tell you, so much to share with you. I miss talking on the phone with you, most of all, I miss you. I feel so empty without you in my life. I want to see you so much, I want to go out with you at least once this holiday but.... I just want to spend some time with you because I really miss you so much. Why is it that you can easily just stop contacting me like that? Do you still think of me right now when I'm not there? Do you miss me? I really hate everything right now. I want to be like you too, so strong, so unaffected. What hurts the most is that I'm feeling so hurt and upset right here but you seems fine on the other hand. You scolded me, even when I've done nothing wrong, I didnt get mad at you, I just cant. Infact, I just broke down. Those words may mean nothing to you when it came out of your mouth, but when I heard it, its so hurtful. I've been reading your past entries, my past entries, those cards you've made and they never fail to bring smiles to my face, because we were so happy and things were so great back then. But it brings tears to me too, because things've changed so much, so much that I simply cant accept it. I know it may be my fault, but I've changed, I've done so much but why is it it didn help to bring you closer to me but infact further? How could our 9 months compared to that something you know for just 3 weeks? I really don't get it, why is it that you can just easily cut me off from your life just in 1 day since Friday. Even if we cant be lovers, I still want us to be friends but right now, its like we are turning to strangers and that's hurt me the most. Right now all I want is us able to be normal friends, talk normally, no means to avoid or ignore each other, just friends who still communicate and keep a mutual relationship, because that's what matter to me the most now. I cant have you being a stranger to me when we were so close for these 9 months, shared everything with each other, know each other inside out. I want us to maintain a normal close friendship because you still mean alot to me and I care alot for you. I've made something for you, but I guess I'll just keep it, I don't know if those cards that I've done still mean something to you, but yours still do and I keep them safely. Maybe we just aint meant to be together but we can still be friends isnt it? Why do you have to go all the way out just to avoid me? I still want us to talk like before, I would still love to take the same bus to school with you every morning. Despite so much you've done and said to me, nothing have change towards the way I feel for you, and I don't know why. The feeling of being replaced is just so unbearable. I used to be that her, in your life, you doing those things for me. This is like a retake of my life, I was your stars for many nights and now the roles have changed and she's the leading lady in your life. I really cant accept all these, things changed so much so fast so instantly. I hope I still mean something to you, I still love you alot...

3 days since you last called me.
I miss you so much....